"Trump has plans for My Pillow"

Friday April 3rd, 2020 in Washington DC in the Corona Virus Task Force conference room. Trump uses wartime powers act to force My Pillow company to start making face masks. It seems there has been a reason the My Pillow Guy has been invited to the White House recently and FNN was able to get the President to elaborate on his new plans to fight the world wide pandemic that is crippling the country.

FNN was able to do a quick interview after the daily briefing and asked the President about this new collaboration with the White House and the Minnesota based company.

"Look, my Corona Virus Task Force has lots of bright and smart people. Lots of experts, and Mike is a Sleep Expert so it shouldn't be a surprise to anybody that I have asked Mike to join us. "

The President went on, "Have you tried the My Pillow yet? Its a great product, I love them, they are beautiful pillows. From my understanding Mike has done his homework. These pillows are sleeping miracles! They cure sore necks and aching backs, and some people say these pillows can cure diseases like cerebral palsy, restless leg syndrome, acid reflux, and that fake disease fibromyalgia! So I was thinking why not this Corona Virus?" 

FNN asked what are the plans that My Pillow and the task force are preparing to do.

"Well its very simple. We are just going to take the regular My Pillows and sew them into masks. They will do three things. In many ways they are better than the N-69 masks the doctors use because the pillows are thicker and have a unique filler. Plus they are warshable so they can be used over and over."

FNN asked the President to go over the three things these new pillow masks will be able to do.

"First they work as a beautiful mask, and I guess if your face has aches or even fibromyalgia the pillow will take care of that. Second it stops the Corona Virus. And lastly if it comes down to getting the virus and you can't make it to work, you can self suffocate. The needs of the countries economy outweighs the needs of the few. I saw that on Star Trek once."

The President then ended the interview but added on his way out, "Make sure you get one of the travel pillows Mike is handing out, you will like it, its a beautiful product, it really is." 

Trump has solutions for national toilet paper shortage

Friday the 13th of March 2020, President Donald Trump hosted a news conference to declare a National Emergency to deal with the Coronavirus pandemic. During the announcement President Trump introduced corporate leaders of the country who vowed to work hand-in-hand with the Trump administration to come up with new tests and solutions to the world wide pandemic. After an hour of questions President Trump left the conference but FNN was able to get an exclusive interview with the President and asked him to address the toilet paper shortage that is affecting the entire country.

“I was talking with everybody earlier about the shortage of toilet paper in the big stores. It was crazy, people fighting over big beautiful bunches of toilet paper!” The President addressed the issue and went on to further explain the administration’s stance on the issue. “You see the fake news made fun of me before when I talked about the water saving toilets that take ten or fifteen or more flushes to flush… Well now you are seeing that first hand but the fake news won’t report that!” The President was flustered and went on to admonish the fake news, “Instead the democrats just want to make another hoax and blame me and make the stock market crash!”

Trump took a deep breath to find his center and went on, “You want an answer, I got one for you. What I do is keep a careful balance of how many calories I eat versus the amount of calories I burn by physical activity. The doctors have been amazed at how well I can do this. I don’t expect everybody to be able to do this, but if you have the intelligence you can balance your caloric intake to a complete neutral to where you do not create any waste from your body to evacuate.”

The President then paused and was searching for something on his phone. He then turned his screen to show the reporter for FNN a video.

“Like I said the Zen caloric balance technique is probably too difficult for most people. So, I do have an alternative for the rest of Americans. It’s called the No Wipe Dump.” President Trump played a video from YouTube called the No Wipe Dump.” The President then put his phone away and appeared to be doing some form of stretching or squat type exercise. “See, you gotta loosen up and do some prisoner squats. I learned those from Arpaio. Anyway you just get all loosened up and squat just right and if you are perfect, you will get the no wipe dump.”

The President stood up and finished the interview, “Everybody tells me this isn’t too hard to do. And once you get it down you will never have to buy toilet paper ever again and your butt will be beautiful!” The President paused before leaving and added, “The only drawback is for the No Wipe Dump to work everybody will have to change their diet a little and eat a lot of corn. But hey, we all love big beautiful corn, right folks? It will be good for the farmers!”