Trump has solutions for national toilet paper shortage
Friday the 13th of March 2020, President Donald Trump hosted a news conference to declare a National Emergency to deal with the Coronavirus pandemic. During the announcement President Trump introduced corporate leaders of the country who vowed to work hand-in-hand with the Trump administration to come up with new tests and solutions to the world wide pandemic. After an hour of questions President Trump left the conference but FNN was able to get an exclusive interview with the President and asked him to address the toilet paper shortage that is affecting the entire country.
“I was talking with everybody earlier about the shortage of toilet paper in the big stores. It was crazy, people fighting over big beautiful bunches of toilet paper!” The President addressed the issue and went on to further explain the administration’s stance on the issue. “You see the fake news made fun of me before when I talked about the water saving toilets that take ten or fifteen or more flushes to flush… Well now you are seeing that first hand but the fake news won’t report that!” The President was flustered and went on to admonish the fake news, “Instead the democrats just want to make another hoax and blame me and make the stock market crash!”
Trump took a deep breath to find his center and went on, “You want an answer, I got one for you. What I do is keep a careful balance of how many calories I eat versus the amount of calories I burn by physical activity. The doctors have been amazed at how well I can do this. I don’t expect everybody to be able to do this, but if you have the intelligence you can balance your caloric intake to a complete neutral to where you do not create any waste from your body to evacuate.”
The President then paused and was searching for something on his phone. He then turned his screen to show the reporter for FNN a video.
“Like I said the Zen caloric balance technique is probably too difficult for most people. So, I do have an alternative for the rest of Americans. It’s called the No Wipe Dump.” President Trump played a video from YouTube called the No Wipe Dump.” The President then put his phone away and appeared to be doing some form of stretching or squat type exercise. “See, you gotta loosen up and do some prisoner squats. I learned those from Arpaio. Anyway you just get all loosened up and squat just right and if you are perfect, you will get the no wipe dump.”
The President stood up and finished the interview, “Everybody tells me this isn’t too hard to do. And once you get it down you will never have to buy toilet paper ever again and your butt will be beautiful!” The President paused before leaving and added, “The only drawback is for the No Wipe Dump to work everybody will have to change their diet a little and eat a lot of corn. But hey, we all love big beautiful corn, right folks? It will be good for the farmers!”
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