"Trump explains what he really meant with his [shithole] comment"

During a break in the President’s extremely busy daily schedule he was able to further elaborate on his word usage during the bipartisan immigration meeting with Senator Durbin and other house members. The historically busy President addressed reporters at his favorite golf course where he does most of his important work. “Just to be clear, I did not say shit-hole countries! That is a lie by Dicky Durbin! You can ask the other house members there, I clearly said shit-house countries!” President Trump then went on and emphasized, “That is a huge difference – saying shit-hole has a negative meaning and completely distorts what I was trying to say.”

The President went on to clarify while he was washing his golf balls, “You people might not know this, but in Africa the blacks build houses out of cow shit. And not everybody knows this, it is very interesting. They like make walls and stuff with the cow poop, very smart and beautiful things! And when you make your toilet out of cow poop, you don’t have to ever worry about cleaning it, very smart if you ask me.”

“So if you think about it, I was complimenting the smart use of cow poop of the blacks in Africa. I mean, look at this beautiful golf course, do you know how it got this beautiful? Cow poop. It’s really amazing stuff, folks! You just take it from the cow’s butts and sprinkle it in the grass and it makes it grow into this beautiful green golf course. It’s amazing stuff, people!” The President used his golf course to explain his word usage as a compliment.

The President was then also asked about why he cited Norway as a preferred country to get immigrants from. “It’s very simple, just watch that show Vikings. We need more crazy warriors like them Vikings to fight terrorist. Seriously who would you pick in a fight, terrorists or Vikings? Everybody knows that Vikings scare the shit out of terrorists!”

 “President Trump calls for new DACA bill to be one of love!”

In another first time historic event on January ninth, President Donald Trump met with a bipartisan group of house members in DC and invited a small group of reporters to watch the negotiations take place in real time. During that meeting President Trump showed he is more than willing to reach out to Democrats and work to bring legislation to law that will benefit American’s first. One of the key elements of this negotiation which the fake news media doesn’t want Americans to see, is the caring empathic side of President Trump. He expressed it greatly during the historic bipartisan meeting by declaring he wanted the new DACA bill to be one of love and added words of encouragement to everyone in the meeting with “we can do it!” 

We were able to ask President Trump if he could further elaborate on what he meant of making a “bill of love” as he exited the negotiations on his way to fulfill his extremely busy Executive Time schedule responsibility. 

“Well its really very simple, we want some type of vetting system to make sure we get the best and most beautiful people. It’s not a bad thing, even Canada uses a type of point system to ensure they get great people.” President Trump went on to further explain, “I think a point system like we wanted to implement earlier is the way to go, but I want to further simplify it… I think the earlier version had too many numbers, I was thinking a 1-10 system would make more sense. I mean, really, you only need two numbers, just nine and tens mostly.” 

The President went on to explain citing real world examples, “Just look at England, they take anybody! That’s not good, now they got a bunch of bucktooth uggos runny around, and nobody likes that.” The President then spoke of current events to further validate his stance, “Everybody knows England is full of uggos, just ask Prince Harry. He couldn’t find any good looking women in England so he found one in America. And let’s be honest, Meghan Markle in England is a strong eight or nine. But in America she is a seven at best.” The President also added, “She does have great teeth, a beautiful smile, Prince Harry should ask about her dentist.” 

President Trump then went on to explain further on the point system he wanted for immigration. “Then for men, we would just use net worth and set a threshold of a minimum of maybe a million dollars or so. Besides, there are only two numbers a man has that women care about, the one up here and the one down there…” the President emphasized with hand gestures pointing up then down, “… your IQ and your wallet!” The President ended his joke with an awkward wink. 

The President added before he entered his awaiting motorcade, “And just to be clear, if Melania doesn’t get an invitation soon, we will enforce strong trade sanctions on the Brexit thing!”

"Unemployed for over thirty years - CGI man finally finds job thanks to Trump!"

On January 4th 2018 the White House Press Corps got treated to something really special, another historic presidential move that is one of many of the great accomplishments of President Trump, and something that the fake news media doesn’t want you to see, long time unemployed CGI man gets a job after more than thirty years of unemployment. It may seem slightly odd, but if you think about what really #MAGA is and what it is that makes America great, it’s some of what was happening in the nineteen-eighties! The timing was perfect to bring some of it back today. President Trump added after the news briefing, “I feel that Max and I can work together beautifully, you know, to fight things like virtual currency and cyber threats, like the ones that my cabinet members have been getting. You need a virtual cyber “good guy” to fight these nasty things…” Trump also quipped, “…and maybe Max can actually find Crooked Hillary’s emails!”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders introduced Max Headroom who was prominently displayed on a large screen monitor in front of the awaiting and confused press corps. “Max is just another example of one of the many failures of the previous administration that President Trump has had to clean up. Max Headroom lost his employment over thirty years ago, the demand for CGI created men was very low and most of those jobs moved overseas where CGI men worked for much less. CGI people like Max Headroom eventually just gave up looking for work and went into sleep mode. And thanks to President Trump, Max is now working again, helping to make America great, again!” Sarah went on to add, “Max’s assistance with news briefings will help alleviate the President’s overloaded and ever growing schedule. No other president in history has kept a work pace such as President Trump. This will allow President Trump to add more time to his Executive Time slot on his daily schedule which is when he does his billionaire work on the back nine.” 

Max then proceeded to answer questions for the news briefing.

Overall the general consensus of the press corps was one of welcome change, even if odd at first. One press corps reporter is quoted, “Despite the digital stuttering of Mr. Headroom’s presentation, overall he answered all questions directly and intelligently. Much less incorrect information or verifiable lies like it is usually with President Trump. And Mr. Headroom’s sense of humor and jokes are actually funny opposed to being uncomfortably awkward.”

This seems to be just one step in a new direction to instill President’s Trump campaign slogan to Make America Great Again. Inside White House sources say there are other possible administration announcements upcoming that might include MC Hammer as the new head of the IRS, making MTV actually play good music videos, and bringing former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to head up a new department of defense for threats from robots and time travel.