"Trump has plans for My Pillow"

Friday April 3rd, 2020 in Washington DC in the Corona Virus Task Force conference room. Trump uses wartime powers act to force My Pillow company to start making face masks. It seems there has been a reason the My Pillow Guy has been invited to the White House recently and FNN was able to get the President to elaborate on his new plans to fight the world wide pandemic that is crippling the country.

FNN was able to do a quick interview after the daily briefing and asked the President about this new collaboration with the White House and the Minnesota based company.

"Look, my Corona Virus Task Force has lots of bright and smart people. Lots of experts, and Mike is a Sleep Expert so it shouldn't be a surprise to anybody that I have asked Mike to join us. "

The President went on, "Have you tried the My Pillow yet? Its a great product, I love them, they are beautiful pillows. From my understanding Mike has done his homework. These pillows are sleeping miracles! They cure sore necks and aching backs, and some people say these pillows can cure diseases like cerebral palsy, restless leg syndrome, acid reflux, and that fake disease fibromyalgia! So I was thinking why not this Corona Virus?" 

FNN asked what are the plans that My Pillow and the task force are preparing to do.

"Well its very simple. We are just going to take the regular My Pillows and sew them into masks. They will do three things. In many ways they are better than the N-69 masks the doctors use because the pillows are thicker and have a unique filler. Plus they are warshable so they can be used over and over."

FNN asked the President to go over the three things these new pillow masks will be able to do.

"First they work as a beautiful mask, and I guess if your face has aches or even fibromyalgia the pillow will take care of that. Second it stops the Corona Virus. And lastly if it comes down to getting the virus and you can't make it to work, you can self suffocate. The needs of the countries economy outweighs the needs of the few. I saw that on Star Trek once."

The President then ended the interview but added on his way out, "Make sure you get one of the travel pillows Mike is handing out, you will like it, its a beautiful product, it really is." 

Trump has solutions for national toilet paper shortage

Friday the 13th of March 2020, President Donald Trump hosted a news conference to declare a National Emergency to deal with the Coronavirus pandemic. During the announcement President Trump introduced corporate leaders of the country who vowed to work hand-in-hand with the Trump administration to come up with new tests and solutions to the world wide pandemic. After an hour of questions President Trump left the conference but FNN was able to get an exclusive interview with the President and asked him to address the toilet paper shortage that is affecting the entire country.

“I was talking with everybody earlier about the shortage of toilet paper in the big stores. It was crazy, people fighting over big beautiful bunches of toilet paper!” The President addressed the issue and went on to further explain the administration’s stance on the issue. “You see the fake news made fun of me before when I talked about the water saving toilets that take ten or fifteen or more flushes to flush… Well now you are seeing that first hand but the fake news won’t report that!” The President was flustered and went on to admonish the fake news, “Instead the democrats just want to make another hoax and blame me and make the stock market crash!”

Trump took a deep breath to find his center and went on, “You want an answer, I got one for you. What I do is keep a careful balance of how many calories I eat versus the amount of calories I burn by physical activity. The doctors have been amazed at how well I can do this. I don’t expect everybody to be able to do this, but if you have the intelligence you can balance your caloric intake to a complete neutral to where you do not create any waste from your body to evacuate.”

The President then paused and was searching for something on his phone. He then turned his screen to show the reporter for FNN a video.

“Like I said the Zen caloric balance technique is probably too difficult for most people. So, I do have an alternative for the rest of Americans. It’s called the No Wipe Dump.” President Trump played a video from YouTube called the No Wipe Dump.” The President then put his phone away and appeared to be doing some form of stretching or squat type exercise. “See, you gotta loosen up and do some prisoner squats. I learned those from Arpaio. Anyway you just get all loosened up and squat just right and if you are perfect, you will get the no wipe dump.”

The President stood up and finished the interview, “Everybody tells me this isn’t too hard to do. And once you get it down you will never have to buy toilet paper ever again and your butt will be beautiful!” The President paused before leaving and added, “The only drawback is for the No Wipe Dump to work everybody will have to change their diet a little and eat a lot of corn. But hey, we all love big beautiful corn, right folks? It will be good for the farmers!”

“Giuliani counters Mueller’s questions for Trump with his own”

Washing DC – New lead lawyer for the Trump legal defense team for the Mueller Investigation, Rudy Giuliani, has sent an official response to the previous questions submitted to President Trump earlier in the year. The previous legal team for the President at the time refused to respond to the questions, citing them as “perjury traps” designed to trick the President into incriminating himself. The new legal team has released an official response that can be read here at FNN:

As of April 20^th 2018, Rudy Giuliani is now the lead attorney for President’s Trump legal defense team against the fraudulent witch hunt investigation led by the Democrats and Investigator Mueller. Our current team has decided to still not comply with the set of questions submitted previously, but within normal precedent set, we are willing to counter the request with something similar that President Trump has agreed upon.

President Trump has personally requested that Truth, Dare, Double-Dare, Promise, or Repeat be the technical format for said requested interview.

President Trump is very willing to meet and respond to any questions or other actions as long as they fit in this format. President Trump is requesting some limitations, which within legal precedent set, is completely acceptable and should be strongly considered by the investigation.

The limitations requested are listed below:

Nothing Sexual: Any dares or double-dares cannot and will not have any innuendos or physical contact that could be construed as sexual. The President is comfortable with limited physical contact and friendly banter.

No Eye Contact: President Trump wants to avoid any type of intimidation, especially mentioned Eye Contact, due to it creating a hostile environment and anxiety which might produce unhelpful results.

The President Can Plea the Fifth: The President is only going to participate as long as he is able to utilize his Fifth Amendment Right. The President expects no recourse or repeat of questions or dares the President uses his right for.

The President wants to work with the investigation to get this done as soon as possible so he can end this politically motivated attack that is a distraction to the President from implementing his agenda the American people want and historically overwhelmingly voted for.

“Trump Administration recovered lost Comey memos from book editor’s cutting room floor…”

April 27^th, 2018 FNN has received unverified transcripts from unknown aide in the Trump Administration that were recovered from the book publisher of former FBI Director James Comey’s new reveal-it-all book that draws from the former Director’s notes and memos. According to the unknown Trump aide, these excerpts were too controversial and could possibly help exonerate President Trump from the Russian Election Interference investigation.

This excerpt does not have a verified date and time of the occurrence, but it is listed as: “one of the many face-to-face meetings President Trump had requested of the FBI Director Comey”

It was late in the day, and I had begun to prepare myself to leave my office in Washington DC and head back to my home residence there, when I was interrupted with a vibration notification on my cell phone. It was a text message from President Trump, it read, “Hey take a look at this video Barron made, the kid is a better computer hacker than any Russian (a smiley face emoji was placed at the end of text)”

Due to my respect of the office of President, I decided I had to open the link and view what it contained. The link opened the media player on my smartphone and began a video that shown Trump in one of his television wrestling appearances, except the one wrestler that Trump was pretending to beat up had a superimposed “Fake News” icon in place of the wrestler’s head.

My phone vibrated again with a text notification, it was another one from President Trump, “What do you think?! Pretty kewl, right???”

I hesitated for a moment, I was unsure how to respond, but due to my ultimate respect for democracy and office of President, I reluctantly replied. “That is a very impressive faux beating you put on the scoundrel, sir.”

I had hoped that the opulent compliment would be enough to satisfy the President, I proceeded to go on my way to my DC residence. Then my phone vibrated, again. It was another text message from the President. “No not fox news, FAKE NEWS, bruh! Hey could you stop by my office I got a surprise for you (a winky face emoji ended the text) And no it’s not the Wookie Fart Girl (a bigger smiley emoji ended this sentence).”

I mentally winced from being reminded of the memory of the strangely attractive slightly over-weight Wookie Fart Girl video that the President had shown me, before. I replied back to his text: “I was not expecting nor do I desire to see the Wookie Fart Girl, again, sir. I am on my way.”

I didn’t want to go to see the President, I had a feeling I already knew what this meeting would be about. But it was my duty to serve the office of the President, so I proceeded to make my way to his office. I was escorted into the Oval Office and found myself alone with the President. On his desk was a gift bag. The President made a gesture that this was for me. I walked over to it and hesitantly pulled out the contents. The gift bag contents were a baseball hat that had some lettering on it that said, “F.B.I” on the front and then on the back it had text embroidered that read, “Female Body Inspector”. The other gift was a tee-shirt that had some graphics on it that also stated “F.B.I.” on the front, then on the back it had a design of perky female breasts and lettering that read, “Federal Bewbie Inspector”. 

I was puzzled with the tee-shirt, I had to ask the President what “bewbie” meant.

The President replied, “Boobs! Come on we can’t have you walking around in public with a shirt that says Boobs we need to think about the kids and keep it classy!” The President found my confusion and lack of knowledge of the slang term to be extremely funny.

I informed the President that I would have to decline the offer of his gift as it would be unethical for me to accept it with the ongoing investigation. I then told the President I felt that I should end this meeting and go home due to it being late in the evening.

The President replied, “Stop being a prude and pull the stick out of your ass! Come on this was just good fun. I need to talk to you about something else. I want to ask you if you have seen the pee tape?”

I informed the President, again, that I cannot divulge any information on evidence of an ongoing investigation. I am not sure if the President has been forgetting our past conversations of the subject or if he does not care.

The President seemed to get irritated with my response. He pressured me more, “Okay, just tell me if you like the blonde or the brunet, you don’t have to even mention the pee tape.”

I informed the President I did not have any information I could divulge about the incident he was referring to. I then proceeded to exit the Oval Office.

The President asked I wait a moment then added, “Okay, maybe the other one was a redhead, it was hard for me to see clearly… Either way it wasn’t real, Okay? Just look at the computer hacking Barron can do with the wrestling video. It would be easy for some overweight libtard hacker who lives in his parent’s basement to create some fake pee tape video. So, if you did see a pee tape, it is definitely fake, okay? I mean, you can wink, cough, whatever, just let me know if you have seen it.”

I felt I had to immediately end the awkward meeting, and I was careful to leave without coughing or winking and bid the President farewell.

Before I exited the Oval Office, the President added, “Okay, if that’s how you are going to be… I guess I will just have to find somebody else to be my Director of the Federal Bewbie Inspectors… I mean the hat can fit anybody and the shirt is an XXL so I think it could fit Christie, but he would be the Federal Moobie Inspector!”

The President laughed out loud at his own crude jokes as I left the Oval Office.

The unnamed Trump aide stated that this missing memo is one of many left out of Comey’s book because as you can clearly read it completely proves there was no collusion with the Russians and Trump.

******BREAKING NEWS****** "Trump put the T in SD - Stormy Daniels releases new details of Trump sex agreement!"

First of all, I want to make it clear that I write this with no political agenda or aspirations for monetary gain. I don’t consider myself a feminist but I also do not consider myself a victim at all. Everything I do is voluntary and nobody is using me for their own gains.

I first met David Dennison in New York city doing an interview on a well-known nationally syndicated radio station. I wasn’t interested in David at all when I met him, I knew he was a married man, and his current wife was pregnant. I have been a lot of things, but I wasn’t ready to add homewrecker to that list…

But David had other ideas. I could tell he liked me when I first met him. And normally I would have been attracted to him as well. Nothing gets me hotter than a rich and powerful man with confidence. I work in the adult entertainment industry, so I was already getting laid by young muscular well-endowed men – I wasn’t looking for pure physical attraction in my private life. I like to be treated to the standards I deserve when I date someone. And men like David Dennison are men that can and are able to meet that standard. And David was very charming and funny when I first met him, it was hard to resist.

David was very persistent; he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Eventually he somehow got a hold of my phone number but for some reason David was calling from a blocked number so I wasn’t sure who he was at first. Eventually I answered and discovered it was David blowing up my phone because he wanted to go on a date… I would make excuses about work and travel but he would have counter arguments with promises of fancy dinners and traveling to exotic destinations. I explained to him I was interested but simply did not want to have any part in his marriage breaking up. David went on to explain that his marriage was an open relationship and he wasn’t even sure the baby she was carrying was his. I guess I just wanted to believe him, open relationships were not uncommon in my type of work so I went along with his reasoning and agreed to a date.

The night of our date I had to admit I was exited – I wasn’t sure of what to expect. David had mentioned so many exciting dating possibilities before… Was a helicopter going to pick me up on the rooftop and fly us away to some exotic spot where he’d have a candlelight dinner waiting? Or maybe his limousine would pick me up and drive me to the airport where a private jet awaited to take us to Italy for an authentic Italian dinner made by a world famous chef? I had to text him, but since he always called from a blocked number I had to text one of his bodyguards and ask him how I should dress. He replied back “something casual” … I felt this was the first date of many of endless possibilities so I put on a sexy black dress that wasn’t too fancy but was very sexy and a look I knew David liked.

I got a call on my phone – it was the limousine driver notifying me my ride had arrived. When I went out to meet him I noticed it was a rental, and it was a later model that I might have ridden in when I went to my High School prom. I figured he might have not been completely truthful about his open marriage and was trying to keep this date on the down-low by using a rental. I couldn’t believe a billionaire with his kind of power and money would settle for this for any other reason. I decided it was too late now so I got in and asked the driver where we were going – I was disappointed a little more when I was told just across town…

We arrived at 5^th Ave and East 56^th Street, and there was a very nice hotel that had David’s last name emblazoned in gaudy gold letters all over it. It was like an old diabetic dog with an UTI pee’d all over a Christmas tree. The driver told me I was to meet David in a hotel room and not to go to the penthouse – I was starting to wonder if I should have brought some take-out with me…

I walked into the tower and I had to admit it was impressive – almost a bit over the top, like it was trying to make up for a lack of something. I felt kind of trashy sneaking up alone to David’s hotel room while his pregnant wife was in the penthouse… But at this point I wanted to see how this went, I was just hoping he wasn’t going to try to pay me afterwards…

I found his room and knocked on the door, David opened it and was dressed in nothing more than a hotel bathrobe and socks. He quickly pulled me into the room and started kissing me, I reciprocated but was reluctant due to the overwhelming smell of mint, it was like he just ate a mouthful of tic-tacs before I arrived. I figured that was better than foul breath and I relaxed a little and got into our foreplay more. I actually didn’t mind our date starting out like this, I do appreciate a man that goes for it. I was starting to get a little excited, I wrapped one of my legs around his hip, I was kind of hopping he would reach down and grab my ass and pick me up and carry me to the bed… I guess his foot problems were acting up or he was sore from golfing. I reached my hand to the back of his head to run my fingers through his hair, I was trying to get him going more. He awkwardly pulled away when my hand reached the back of his head. He explained he just had some surgery on his neck from a golf injury and didn’t want her to touch him back there.

He seemed to sense my mood change, he called me Honeybunch and kissed my forehead and told me to sit next to him on the bed. On the hotel television he had some shark documentary going and there was a dinner prepared for us that was set out on a tray. He told me it was prepared by his personnel chef but it looked more like it was from a fast-food restaurant and placed on fancy dinnerware.

The sex was what you’d expect – really effing weird…

This went on like this for a while – I probably would have ended it after the first time but he would always promise next time we would do something fun and exciting. I got tired of that soon enough, but then the reality television show he starred on was taking off and soon he was promising me a spot on it… That was hard to resist since I was already in the adult entertainment industry and was looking for a way out eventually.

The reality television spot never happened, neither did our dates, we pretty much would meet up once a week in his hotel room and screw. And I was a willing participant, I enjoyed our time for a while for almost a year.

Then reality happened.

I found some open sores one day around my genital area. I made a huge mistake. Normally in my work I always practiced safe-sex. I just assumed David being a germaphobe and his status that I didn’t need to worry about protection… Well that was a terrible idea! David was the only one I was sleeping with during our time and I am tested frequently for diseases for my work. And during our sexual encounters I did see some sores before but David explained it was from his thighs chaffing from walking on the golf course too much. He is an older man who was far from perfect health that was void of skin blemishes, so I believed him.

I went to my doctor and took a blood test, that confirmed my suspicion that it was Herpes! The blood test was able to determine an approximate date when I acquired the virus, as well.

I called David’s bodyguard and demanded to see him. David agreed to meet me in his office but it was difficult to schedule an appointment with him due to his talk of running for president one day was becoming more than talk – his political career was taking off. I was able to get a time to meet him but I was given some specific instructions for when I arrived at the tower. I was met by one of his closest bodyguards and escorted up the service elevators so to avoid the media in the front lobby waiting for David. I didn’t say much, and he didn’t call me Honeybunch this time. He knew I found out and I was upset. I walked up to his desk and put the test result papers on it, he looked at them for a moment then looked up at me and asked, “how much is this going to cost to keep quiet?”

That was it, like everything about David Dennison it was a huge disappointment. No apologizes, no excuses, just an unemotional businessman response. I was so angry, I wanted to hit him and scream at his arrogant orange face! But instead I stormed out of his office and walked out the main entrance ignoring his bodyguard. I wanted nothing else to do with this walking and breathing disappointment…

But later when I got home and thought about what this meant, for an adult entertainer to have an incurable STD. I realized I needed some form of compensation to move on. David didn’t just give me Genital Herpes, he ended my career. Fortunately, I was already planning my exit from the movie starring roles, I had looked into becoming a producer and starting my own adult entertainment movie making business. I actually had a plan in place I was just short on startup cash. I didn’t want to be seen as a prostitute or some money milking scammer – that isn’t what I’m about. But I needed to move on from starring in movies…

After speaking with M.C. who was David’s (fabulous Jew lawyer), we came to an agreement of $130K – I could have demanded more, but like I said I am not a prostitute. This was the amount I needed for startup cash for my movie producing company. I just wanted to get compensated enough for the damages he did and move on with my life… But of course even the breakup was a painful experience with David. Every time I thought we had an agreement, David would add something or want to change something. Eventually his campaign was taking off and he became too busy to keep this going on and eventually we came to terms and after some more fighting I got paid…

I don’t even care about the money now; in fact, I’d like to give it back. I only care about the truth and to give fair warning for any other future Honeybunches out there.

"Trump explains what he really meant with his [shithole] comment"

During a break in the President’s extremely busy daily schedule he was able to further elaborate on his word usage during the bipartisan immigration meeting with Senator Durbin and other house members. The historically busy President addressed reporters at his favorite golf course where he does most of his important work. “Just to be clear, I did not say shit-hole countries! That is a lie by Dicky Durbin! You can ask the other house members there, I clearly said shit-house countries!” President Trump then went on and emphasized, “That is a huge difference – saying shit-hole has a negative meaning and completely distorts what I was trying to say.”

The President went on to clarify while he was washing his golf balls, “You people might not know this, but in Africa the blacks build houses out of cow shit. And not everybody knows this, it is very interesting. They like make walls and stuff with the cow poop, very smart and beautiful things! And when you make your toilet out of cow poop, you don’t have to ever worry about cleaning it, very smart if you ask me.”

“So if you think about it, I was complimenting the smart use of cow poop of the blacks in Africa. I mean, look at this beautiful golf course, do you know how it got this beautiful? Cow poop. It’s really amazing stuff, folks! You just take it from the cow’s butts and sprinkle it in the grass and it makes it grow into this beautiful green golf course. It’s amazing stuff, people!” The President used his golf course to explain his word usage as a compliment.

The President was then also asked about why he cited Norway as a preferred country to get immigrants from. “It’s very simple, just watch that show Vikings. We need more crazy warriors like them Vikings to fight terrorist. Seriously who would you pick in a fight, terrorists or Vikings? Everybody knows that Vikings scare the shit out of terrorists!”

 “President Trump calls for new DACA bill to be one of love!”

In another first time historic event on January ninth, President Donald Trump met with a bipartisan group of house members in DC and invited a small group of reporters to watch the negotiations take place in real time. During that meeting President Trump showed he is more than willing to reach out to Democrats and work to bring legislation to law that will benefit American’s first. One of the key elements of this negotiation which the fake news media doesn’t want Americans to see, is the caring empathic side of President Trump. He expressed it greatly during the historic bipartisan meeting by declaring he wanted the new DACA bill to be one of love and added words of encouragement to everyone in the meeting with “we can do it!” 

We were able to ask President Trump if he could further elaborate on what he meant of making a “bill of love” as he exited the negotiations on his way to fulfill his extremely busy Executive Time schedule responsibility. 

“Well its really very simple, we want some type of vetting system to make sure we get the best and most beautiful people. It’s not a bad thing, even Canada uses a type of point system to ensure they get great people.” President Trump went on to further explain, “I think a point system like we wanted to implement earlier is the way to go, but I want to further simplify it… I think the earlier version had too many numbers, I was thinking a 1-10 system would make more sense. I mean, really, you only need two numbers, just nine and tens mostly.” 

The President went on to explain citing real world examples, “Just look at England, they take anybody! That’s not good, now they got a bunch of bucktooth uggos runny around, and nobody likes that.” The President then spoke of current events to further validate his stance, “Everybody knows England is full of uggos, just ask Prince Harry. He couldn’t find any good looking women in England so he found one in America. And let’s be honest, Meghan Markle in England is a strong eight or nine. But in America she is a seven at best.” The President also added, “She does have great teeth, a beautiful smile, Prince Harry should ask about her dentist.” 

President Trump then went on to explain further on the point system he wanted for immigration. “Then for men, we would just use net worth and set a threshold of a minimum of maybe a million dollars or so. Besides, there are only two numbers a man has that women care about, the one up here and the one down there…” the President emphasized with hand gestures pointing up then down, “… your IQ and your wallet!” The President ended his joke with an awkward wink. 

The President added before he entered his awaiting motorcade, “And just to be clear, if Melania doesn’t get an invitation soon, we will enforce strong trade sanctions on the Brexit thing!”